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Darkness From Within
Last night, I had such an incredibly chilling nightmare, and it's been nagging at me all afternoon. Like most of my nightmares go, this didn't start off on a horrifying foot, but it slowly descending into madness as it went on.
I had two dreams last night. One involved seeking shelter from bad storms, namely tornadoes. Tornadoes make frequent appearances in my dreams. I don't really have a fear of them. I'm fascinated by them. I suppose my fascination with them is due to how often I dream of them. If a tornado doesn't happen, a bad storm of some kind does, but all of them are destructive.
The second dream was much longer than the first and at times I wished desperately that I could wake from it.
It had somehow come to my attention that I had been possessed by an entity. Not a demon, exactly, more like a parasite (I don't believe in demons) with conscious thought, the ability to speak, and caused severe psychological stress and symptoms, because it was in my brain. This parasite... I don't even have a name for it (I guess you could say it was the antagonizing dream personality, Ross, I so often dream of, taking a non-human form). But it was definitely male. It had a male voice.
There were calm periods in the dream where I would visit friends, people I'm closest with, people I love. I would be relaxed and happy. Then, I would hear it-- the venomous, whispering voice threatening to kill them. I would beg to it, knowing full well how insane I might have looked, and it would attempt to bargain with me, saying that if I committed another unspeakable act, he might keep my friends alive.
I knew he was referring to murder. I told him I refused to do it. He told me then to kill myself instead. Rationally, this wasn't practical, since he was living in my head, but I wasn't exactly thinking about that in my dream. He said he would spare some lives if I destroyed myself. I didn't want to do that either. So he forced me to kill my friends in the most heinous methods possible. Burning them alive, hammering their heads in, blowing up their vehicles when they tried to escape. I had no idea what was real or imagined. I would hallucinate horrid things, people with their bodies inside out, then the images would go back to normal. I had no clue as to whether or not my companions actually met their demise, or if it was a hallucination.
As it turned out, just to fuck with me, half of them were real deaths, and half weren't. It was up to me to find out which was true and which wasn't, all while a parasite in my head tortured my mind. I would see destruction, and not know if I had caused it, and if I didn't see destruction, I wanted to cause it anyway. Eventually, my whole train of thought had changed, and I was no longer the same person. I felt as though I had lost all control of myself, that I was a puppet being strung along as I watched my own hands strangle others, then felt them turn onto my own neck. I could feel myself choking, dying.
I could hear the parasite laughing at me inside my ears. I actually hid inside of my own subconscious (a subconscious within a subconscious... how's that for confusing?) and ran through rooms of shoddy, dilapidated houses to look for the parasite, planning to talk to it, ask it why it was doing what it was doing.
I eventually stumbled across a large, empty room, like a giant art studio, a couch in the middle of the floor. A young man (whom I assume was :flame: Ross :flame was sitting on it, drinking, I don't remember what, but it was alcohol. He didn't communicate much with words, nor did he chase me out of the room as I expected. He was strongly built, muscular, like a statue (I doubt it was to entice me, since I'm not really attracted to that physique, but rather, intimidate me), and was nude.
He did smile when he saw me, a very sinister smile, then motioned for me to sit on the couch. I obeyed him, which was a mistake. I tried to speak to him, tell him that I've had enough, that I can't live like this, that eventually he would be the death of me. It didn't take long for him to start taking advantage of me sexually, until I was unwillingly having sex with him, hoping it would get him to stop tormenting me. It was like he had won the battle, that I had died.
Ross as a dream personality has bothered me so much that I'm planning to write him as a character, eventually, which I almost sort of have. I'm not sure if hurting myself or destroying myself would benefit anyone, but part of me must think so.
Another dream I had recently had a similar feeling of fear in it. In the dream, a solar eclipse had just happened, but it was unlike any other eclipse. For some reason, it changed people, and only certain people were affected. The most frightening thing about this was, if you had been affected, no one would know, unless they saw you in the dark.
Why was this so frightening? Well, when I say "affected," I mean an affliction causing one to turn into an entirely black silhouette of themselves in darkness. I had no idea what they were capable of when turning into this dark form, but I never stuck around to find out when I saw one. I was too terrified. During the day, these same people would linger around in their homes hoarding canned food for no reason. Eventually towns had become vacant of all life, and I would travel around on foot entering houses that may or may not have contained people affected by the eclipse. I'd have to say that utter fear of entering those houses alone, hearing people muttering nonsense within the houses, was what scared me the most. Trying to stay hidden from the monsters in the attic. I suppose one would say it's a bit childish, but I would never wish a nightmare like that on my worst enemy. Even if it sounds ridiculous, that feeling... just the feeling I would get sneaking around in those houses was enough to make me never want to sleep again.
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