Dreaming LifeDreaming Life

30-September-2004: I dreamt I received the full brunt of a nuclear blast completely naked; I was unharmed but the radiation afterwards made my skin itch if I stayed outside too long. After the bombing was over I was arguing with Neil (friend) about how the nuclear bombs were nothing particularly new to human history, saying they were just the same as other horrific war stuff – half of the town had been destroyed by the one bomb where we would have done the same damage in WWII with thousands of bombs; either way the devastation would be the same, I think we must have all been immune to radiation or something because that really didn’t come up in any arguments. Troops in green suits and full-face helmets dropped out of the sky and a pitched battle ensued from street to street; I had a device that I kept using to reprogram the enemy so they fought on our side, I even turned an enemy’s cat against them.

29-September-2004: I dreamt I was in the house I grew up in; living there as an adult upstairs, with a Scottish friend called Wendy living downstairs with her boyfriend. They said they wanted me to move out, they couldn’t see how crazy the idea was, that they were asking me to move out of my own house! They thought that it was my mother’s house but she had signed it over to me; I decided to sell the house so no one could live in it. This sort of happened in real life with someone else, only it was my mum’s house and not mine; I was told I couldn’t live in my own mother’s house by my friends, my mother wanted to throw them out but I didn’t want to lose my friends, in the end she actually sold the house to bring an end to it.

28-September-2004: I dreamt I was being held in a secure facility with two others; perhaps a prison or a mental institution, we weren’t meant to be there but where being held by a James Bond style super criminal type. There were three of us including me, one woman, and one man who was a bit untrustworthy, I didn’t really like him. We escaped from our cell and ran around opening doors and kicking open air vents so the guards would think we escaped that way, I took the three of us up to an office on the top floor ready to fly away out of the window. I told the other two it would be okay, they’d be able to fly too as long as we held hands; I had to take my gloves off so our skin would touch, I didn’t want to help the man but I couldn’t leave him there. The three of us escaped and flew along the A64, a local road near where I live; there was something curious happening on the road so I let the other two go on alone while I went to have a look. Someone had placed lots of A-shaped advertisements in the road, they announced some kind of concert was about to start, a female singer I’ve never heard of. I started knocking down all the signs, they were holding up traffic; it was a lot of fun knocking them down, some of them knocked others down with them like dominoes. I biker came along and let me ride his three-wheeled chopper bike to knock down some really big ads; an old man came out, dressed like an official for the concert, to tell me I couldn’t knock the ads down, it was wrong. But he knocked one down himself by accident and thought it was so much fun that he joined in. There was a funny looking willow tree and he said to me, ‘Look at that funny tree,’ and my friend Che popped into the scene and said, ‘The really funny thing about that tree is the beard with the naked bit in it!’ I couldn’t stop laughing and repeating, the beard with the naked bit in it. I took a notebook out of my pocket and wrote the phrase down so I wouldn’t forget it when I woke up; when I did wake up I was still laughing, and I wrote it down again for real.

27-September-2004: I dreamt I was in a training cabin where people were learning how to fight with stick that had metal tips, sort of like kung fu but not as good. The teacher was telling everyone that people used to know how to use wood and metal together to cast magic spells, that’s why the sticks had metal tips on, it was just an old forgotten tradition. I told him he was talking rubbish, we could still do magic now if we wanted to; he said, ‘Pah, go on then.’ So I channelled energy through the stick and its metal tip and lifted a wooden table off the floor and threw it through the cabin window. Later I was with a group of friends being chased by two crime bosses in a Rolls Royce car; we lost them when we went to hide in someone’s house, but I got sick of waiting and hiding and went outside to confront them. There was a group of African tribesmen, a bit like Zulus but they didn’t have the short spears or any noticeable weapons at all; they were training in unarmed combat on the street, breaking logs with their feet. In fact all their fighting seemed to be done with their feet. I wanted to train with them, fight them for the fun of competition; but their leader said they were too busy to bother with me, I asked what if I fight them all at once, there were about 15 of them. We had a great time teaching each other stuff, they’d never seen someone fend off 15 warriors before.

26-September-2004: I dreamt I was taking part, and watching on the sidelines, The Great North Run; a half marathon in the north of England. The main reason for this is because I woke up and it was on TV, I fell asleep watching it. I was on a super modern coach/bus heading back south, an English actor called Kevin Wheatley looked at me despondently from the window of another bus passing by; our driver started talking to us in a really posh voice, explaining our agenda, when he took a turn too fast and rolled the bus – I woke up and the Run was still on TV.

25-September-2004: I was in a house that I sometimes dream I own but don’t live there, like I’m the landlord or something; it’s not my ideal house or anything, just a house across the street from where I grew up. Masayo, my ex-wife was there with my mum and some people I don’t know; there was a couple who’d got back together and she had the idea that she wanted to get back with me, only we were so different now I couldn’t see how I’d even been married to her in the first place, but she couldn’t see it. I told her I was getting married and that she needs to speak to my fiancé, Marcia, who was at work in New York, we were in York in England. It didn’t matter though, I could use the Mothership to get her there in ten minutes; I phoned Marcia on her cell phone and asked her to go to the top of her building, to be picked up on the roof. In the dream I thought this will be really cool because she’d get to see the Mothership and, until now, she’s only ever heard of it in my dreams – I thought I was awake and not dreaming. The Mothership picked Marcia up from the roof of her building and I got a view of New York through the front windows, though I was still back in England and viewing telepathically. An old English comedian called Tim Brooke Taylor was flying the ship and I materialised next to him; we flew around New York and there were fountains everywhere, I remembered Marcia saying something about a ‘Fountains for New Yorkers’ project earlier in the dream and it all made sense. We headed off across the Atlantic just above sea level; the waves were huge and the weather was violent, but the ship’s weather-shield made it seem a million miles away, like it was on TV – we were going very fast, overtaking commercial and military aircraft, but not nearly as fast as we could. We were all in no rush to get to England now; the dramatic view of the ocean was thrilling, we thought it looked very Vikingesk, and started singing a song about Ivanhoe.

24-September-2004: I was dreaming about a petty argument with my mother, we were talking about chip and pin credit and debit cards, my mother was saying that they are everywhere now but I argued that most stores still didn’t have them yet but should by the end of 2005. Then we started talking about credit card fraud; my mother said that card crimes would switch from being 80% fraud to 90% confidence tricks, meaning people would use con tricks to get your pin number. I agreed that this seemed reasonable, thinking that there may even be some dishonest store workers taking notes of people’s pin numbers and having a friend follow and mug them. I thought that older, slower, people would be especially vulnerable, typing in their pin code very slowly and openly, possibly even asking someone else to do it because they can’t see properly.

23-September-2004: I dreamt I was an old man; it was time for me to retire as I sat with some friends in a cabin at the top of a green mountain. I wanted to do one last job to top off everything else I’d ever made; I was an engineer but most considered me an artist, constructing some of the world’s largest and visually appealing waterslides. The cabin we were in sat next to the top of my largest waterslide; a convoluted red tube that twisted its way down the mountainside for half a mile, I wanted to add to it, up high in the sky, so it would be twice as long as it was. Everyone was saying I couldn’t do it, some whispered that I’d gone mad; I walked away pretending I wasn’t going to do it, already thinking up the plans for a cloud-high waterslide… a tiny green fairy came out from behind a log to assure me I could do it, everything would be fine.

22-September-2004: I was in a kind of mystical dream set in Iraq; there was no war or fighting there, it was more like an oriental gold and story telling type scenario. I was with Sean Easton, a boy I used to play with when I was a kid, and someone else I can’t remember; we’d lost our transport and were considering walking all the way back to England, we were out in crowded, dusty streets on a bridge over a river. We were quite safe where we were but I knew that we wouldn’t make it walking across deserts, trying to get to the more temperate Europe, so I decided I’d use my powers of flight to get the three if us home overnight. I can give other people the power of flight in my dreams as long as I am touching them; we decided to buy a big carpet and ride it back to England like in the old Arabian tales, I figured as long as we were all on the carpet everyone would be fine, and they’d be able to go to sleep. The search for carpets proved to be more difficult than we thought; it seemed an endless quest from one market stall to another, with trips to warehouses and stores. We eventually found a woman who said she could help us; we ended up climbing a mountain to a cable car next to a frozen lake that went right to the top of the mountain, where we were told all the carpets were. I asked the woman how long the car ride would be, I was worried about my claustrophobia; she said it was only a couple of minutes but, before we got on, Sean noticed that the roof of the car was covered in a carpeted padding. Before we knew what was happening, the three of us were up on top ripping off the carpet; everything went chaotic as a man tried to stop us and I pushed him into the lake, where he fell through the ice. A guy coming down in a different car started shooting at us and we all jumped into the lake, which was now watery with blocks of floating ice. I somehow managed to blow up the car with the gunman aboard but then a police boat came after the three of us, it had a machinegun mounted on the front; an RPG (rocket propelled grenade) came out of nowhere and destroyed the police boat, then an orange lifesaving boat came and I thought they were after us too. It turned out to be Pippa and Prometheus who I play online shoot-em-up games with, they’d come to rescue us and get us out of the country; there was something about Pippa losing her job in Iraqi security.

21-September-2004: I was travelling around the countryside by car with my friend Carl; we stopped off in a village in Kent for a rest and to stretch our legs, there was a guy sitting on the floor bathed in sunshine singing an unusual little ditty. I can’t remember all the word, but it was something about pissing in people’s shoes and how crap Colonesque is compared to himself… I said, ‘Oh my God, it’s Rincewind from the Terry Pratchett Message Board!’ And we started chatting; he said he was on his way to see Buzzfloyd and Garner, we went to a phone box so he could call and ask if Carl and I could come along. There was no answer but a machine replied, ‘Sorry where not here right now…’ and a man I assumed was Garner said, ‘I fancy a pint!’ then there was a song about chevrons until the line went dead. We got in the car and headed for Buzzfloyd’s and Garner’s; Rincewind started singing the chevron song and changing the words as he went along; he thought ‘chevron’ was another word for ‘babies’ so his song revolved around that, I couldn’t stop laughing. When we got to B and G’s none of them knew if I was Maljonic or if my friend Carl was, they were trying to work it out without asking. I suppose it must have been a lucid dream because I said to myself, I’m going to have to do this for real one day when I’m awake, but I better bring Marcia with me or she’ll be jealous. When I woke up in the middle of the night I laughed so much at Rincewind singing the chevron song, I wish now I’d written it down because I can’t remember any of it.

20-September-2004: I dreamt I was on the top floor of a music store, looking for old Hip Hop records. I didn’t find any and wanted to leave, I couldn’t be bothered to walk all the way down three flights of stairs to get out so I went onto the roof to jump off. A woman came running out to stop me, think I was going to kill myself; I told her everything was fine, then grabbed her and made her jump off with me, she was relieved and surprised when we slowed down just before we hit the ground and landed gently. Later I was at a party at my old school, everyone was outside in the dark sitting around fires and playing instruments. Some people wanted me to play this little stone whistle with four holes on the front and two on the back; I’d never seen one like it but wanted to play it anyway, when I tried I couldn’t get it to sound right and everyone seemed a little disappointed. They hoped I might have being able to play it after they had all tried and failed. A guy next to me started whistling a tune and I picked up the stone instrument again, found that I could play it easily now; I hadn’t being blowing hard enough the first time, it was a very high-pitched sound it produced, very mystical. I think it was sort of in harmony with the guy whistling and I hoped he didn’t stop and leave me playing out of tune; everyone around us was quiet and listening intently, saying it was the nicest thing they’d ever heard when we stopped. I phoned Marcia in New York and asked her if she wanted me to get Catface to pick her up and fly her over to the party; she said she’d be ready in ten minutes.

19-September-2004: I was dreaming about the house where I grew up yet again; this time I was in my room but it was twice as big with a really high ceiling. I was getting really bored, I even tried teasing some ghosts out to come and torment me like they had in a dream a few nights ago, but they wouldn’t play. I found that the wall had all kinds of little handholds along the top, so I climbed up there and went right around the room clinging to the handholds with only my fingertips. When I came down again Mr. T was standing in my doorway and asking where the bathroom was, I showed him but he had to wait because someone was in there already, so we talked about rock climbing for a bit instead. It later transpired that I wasn’t at home at all but in a very similar house about 20 miles from Los Angeles in the desert; also I’d turned into Mark Sloan from the American TV show, Diagnosis Murder. I was still pretty bored though and feeling fairly lonely, so a couple of younger people (I was old Dr. Sloan now) offered to take me into LA for a look around, in this dream Mark hadn’t been to LA before. I thought this was great; on our way there the jeep was getting stuck in desert sands, so I decided to fly overhead and reduce some of the weight on the car. When I got to LA, still as Mark Sloan, I decided I loved the place and wanted to stay there forever; the young woman with me said she was too young to settle in one place and perhaps I should think about it more It didn’t really matter what she thought though, I was an old man and knew what I wanted. There was a camera switch back to the house where lots of people were wondering what happened to the old guy, had I wandered off into the desert on my own? The young woman came home and told them where I was, that I wanted to stay there; they didn’t seem very happy about it.

18-September-2004: I had a dream in the morning that seemed very real; I was in the back garden of the home where I grew up on a sunny day, the back of the garden had been flattened so it was just dried up brown mud. The top-secret bunker with the global defence shield and my personal army had its doorway partially uncovered; I thought that this was quite odd because the secret bunker isn’t real; it only appears in my dreams. Then I realised I was asleep and became fully lucid; some dogs came through the fence from next door, one of them looked like it might bite me but it didn’t matter because I was in full control, I hovered up and down the garden with the dogs chasing me and jumping up at me just a few inches too low to make contact.

17-September-2004: I dreamt that my friend Neil came around to my flat on his way to a party; he was carrying a pair of roller-boots that were custom-made from brown Dr. Martin boots, they looked pretty cool but I couldn’t imagine him using them because of his terrible problem with balance. I went and got my roller-blades out of the car as Neil met up with another friend called Lewis and headed off to the party; I skated after them but must have taken a different route because I got to Bill’s house before they did. Bill normally drinks outrageous amounts of strong alcohol and makes everyone else join in, I was a bit worried about that because I don’t like drinking so much anymore. When I went into his house though he was playing a kind of quiz game with Phil (another friend) where you had to join lines of string up on a board on the wall; when Bill saw my roller-bladed and I told him about Neil’s custom jobs he sprang up and started looking for something similar so we could all mess around like children outside, instead of drinking ourselves silly.

16-September-2004: Dreaming something about buying boats in Spain; someone bought a average sized white boat and was trying to get it to the water by driving it along the road, I often have dreams where I’m driving a boat along a river that turns into a road, but this time it was someone else doing it and I was just watching. Somewhere in the dream there was a cage full of rats, all different ages, sized and colours; everyone thought they were cute until someone said, ‘Wait a minute, aren’t they rats?’ after which everyone went off them a bit, I thought that was pretty shallow of them. I was with a family that had a small boy who owned a little grey parrot; I noticed that the parrot had gone missing ages ago and sort of felt sorry for the child, knowing he’d notice it too sooner or later. When he did notice he said, ‘Look mummy, parrot gone!’ He kept saying ‘Parrot gone,’ but he was smiling, sure that the parrot would come back. They all looked for the bird which I was sure must have flown away ages ago; but the mother said, ‘Oh, here he is!’ and produced a thin white plastic bag with the bird inside, I thought it must be dead but it fluttered out and the boy was very happy.

15-September-2004: I had a dream that a woman from a job interview I went to the other day kept teasing me over whether I got the job or not; a hippy-looking blonde-haired girl kept telling her to stop being so cruel to me and just tell me if I was hired or not.

14-September-2004: I dreamt I was upstairs in my childhood home talking to Marcia (fiancé) on the phone; we were just having a nice chat, we were talking about the anniversary of Princess Diana’s funeral and how bizarre it was that the event was on the news, saying how most people remember the date of a loved one’s death but don’t usually commemorate the funeral date separately when I started getting buffeted around by some angry ghosts. I thought it was some kind of guardian spirit defending my grandfather’s honour, so I said aloud that I loved my grandfather, that I just don’t think it’s appropriate to commemorate dead people’s funerals. Marcia couldn’t tell what I was saying because of static on the line; she kept saying, ‘What honey?’ ‘Pardon?’ and ‘What was that?’ I said, ‘You’re not going to believe this but I’m being attacked by angry ghosts! I’ll call you back in a few minutes’ I went downstairs to get help from my mother and stepfather, they were still together in this dream, the ghosts didn’t come downstairs. I told them there were ghosts upstairs that were attacking me; my mother laughed at me like I was an idiot, this was a bit strange because it’s usually my stepfather that takes on this role. I couldn’t get through to her and actually punched her in the face, very strange indeed. I bullied my stepfather into coming upstairs to have a look, which also wouldn’t happen in waking life, and he came along for a laugh. When we got to the top of the stairs a duvet was being moved around the floor in an unnatural fashion; my mum’s dog, Tilly, was wrestling with the duvet and my stepfather pretended he thought that she was the only one moving it. I got angry with Tilly and told her to let go so my stepfather could see it was moving on it’s own; I had to shout at her a lot to get her to let go, saying something like, ‘For fuck sake just let go you stupid dog!’ I raised my hand like I was going to hit her and she whimpered and ran downstairs, I said sorry to her as she ran past. The duvet was still being moved around by invisible hands and I said to my stepfather, ‘Well, now what do you say?’ He said nothing but looked very frightened. We followed the duvet into his and my mum’s bedroom, there were three ghosts in the bed; a teenage boy with a teenage girlfriend on either side of him. I thought I’d annoy him by chatting up one of the girls and kissing her; she had a mouth full of iron thumb tacks and I said, ‘No wait, if I kiss you you’ll probably spew rotten maggots into my mouth or something.’ The three ghosts laughed and the girl said, ‘Rumbled, how did you know?’ I asked them how long they had been in the house, they told me since last Wednesday; they all got out of the bed and started packing their ghostly clothes into a ghostly back pack, then left the house. I felt relieved that they had gone and everything could go back to normal; like some kind of inner turmoil had left me. I woke up then feeling very disturbed about the dream and couldn’t get back to sleep thinking about ghosts; it wasn’t quite a horrifying nightmare, but it was psychologically disturbing at the time.

13-September-2004: I was in a dream where Dave (a friend) and I were walking around a new college in York, England. I kept talking to people and they kept mistakenly thinking I was one of the teachers; someone would say something like, ‘Which class are you looking for?’ and I would reply that I wasn’t looking for a class, they would shake my hand and welcome me aboard. Dave thought it was very funny. We looked through a classroom’s door window and saw our friend Mark, who really is a teacher, and decided to wait for him to finish. A big old lady came along to ask what we were doing hanging around in the corridors and peeking through doors; I told her I was just waiting for Mark, she shook my hand and welcomed me aboard. Dave said, ‘Oh my God! And I replied, ‘Well what can I do, they all just assume I’m a teacher?’ I met up with Dave later, he was circle dancing with a group of staff and students; he tried to grab my hand and make me join in but I didn’t want to, I told him I was a high-ranking teacher and couldn’t get involved in such things. He came and sat with me and I told him how I’d gotten caught up in the role and taken a class on teacher ethics, tutoring the staff of the college as if I were an expert when, in reality, I’d just made the whole thing up.

12-September-2004: I can’t remember exactly what people were saying but I dreamt that everyone was treating me as if I held the secret of true love, which I sort of did, but I didn’t know how to pass it on to anyone else. Later there was an angry fly that came buzzing in through the window; I had telepathic control over the fly, by saying that it hates someone I could get it to go and bite them. I started by saying that the fly doesn’t like me much and it came and bit my forehead a little; everyone in the room laughed so I looked at this bald guy and said that the fly really didn’t like him, it went and bit him a few times all over his face; then there was this really horrible guy who I said the fly must hate more than anyone else in the world, it went and attacked him and invited all its friends to join in until there was a swarm of angry flies biting the evil man.

11-September-2004: Dreaming I was a kung fu teacher to start with; there were hundreds of students, nearly all children; in waking life a have a green sash in kung fu which is just over halfway to black, all the students were absolute beginners so I was hoping I could secretly learn all the stuff I need to get a black sash before my students caught me up. Later the same day I was with my brother in the house we grew up in when a fighter jet flew overhead and crashed onto the school sports field behind our back garden, about half a mile away. It was on the news that a fully loaded (with bombs and fuel) plane had crashed; I switched between watching the pictures on TV and the image of the burning plane through the window. My mother phoned and asked whether or not we should move away from the house in case the bombs exploded; I told my younger brother and he said there was nothing to worry about, they were golden bombs so would not be affected by fire or crashing. Strangely enough, I believed him; just as we were talking about it the plane blew up (not the bombs just the fuel) and fragments of plane and missiles whizzed over and into our garden. We both looked at each other and said, ‘Cool, souvenirs!’ But a cleaning crew with a tank came to clean all the evidence away; nevertheless, one of the soldiers handed us a missile-shaped plastic cover through the window as a gift. My brother said he supposed we’d have to share it; I was about to agree when the soldier passed us another one.

10-September-2004: I dreamt I was back working for the printing company, my first job when I was 16; my boss was wanting me to make a web site for him, but he wanted me to do far too much programming code that was a bit beyond my capabilities. I was trying to convince him to let me go back in time a few years and publish a Fulprint (the company’s name) web site; when web sites were new, I’d be able to make a site that was way beyond the abilities of early web site designers who were mostly people at home anyway. I explained that by now Fulprint could be one of the oldest names on the modern web; Bob (the boss) wanted me to make a questionnaire to post on his site to broach the subject.

9-September-2004: Last night’s main dream was a huge farcical comedy of gargantuan proportions with a plot even Hollywood wouldn’t swallow. I was at a huge conference in London, England, about saving the planet or some such save-the-whale type scenario; hundreds, nay thousands of people were gathering around little exhibitions of the kind that appear at these functions. My friends in the dream, none of which I knew apart from Phoebe from Friends the American sitcom, were getting a little board so we went to look at some old steam engines; the place was a huge train museum when it wasn’t been used as a conference centre. We all had these skin-tight force-fields on that we were playing around with, bouncing off walls and leaping into ancient trains. When we went back to the conference, we were supposed to be the star speakers after all, everyone had been frozen in time; strange men/creatures were searching through the hundreds of people trying to find the prominent Earth-savers, as we were commonly known. We ran out of the building pretending to be afraid, letting them see us get away and leading them right out of London and into the countryside. We went to an old manor house with an old fashioned-looking women living in it; she knew who we were and knew lots of people were after us, afraid for herself and her home she said we could hide there nonetheless. Still making a performance at being afraid, we went to hide in a back room when some mafia/soldier types came looking for us; they came into the room where the six of us were hiding stupidly behind some thick red curtains with our feet blatantly sticking out from the bottom, to make it even more ridiculous Phoebe couldn’t stop sniggering at the men looking all serious, on a mission to catch us. They shot the Hell out of the room with their machineguns and shotguns until the curtains were completely gone, leaving us standing there with the biggest grins; bullets and pellets whizzed and popped off our force-fields like we had armoured skin, we ignored the soldiers as we crunched over the remains of the chandeliers on the floor and went out to the front garden. The mafia boss was outside in his car, a little shocked to see us walking out; he gunned the throttle of his Jaguar and came right at me, hitting my shins like he’d ran into a tree. The front of his car crumpled around me and he backed up for another try; someone made a comment that the guy must be totally stupid if he can’t see that something isn’t right when his car wraps around me the way it did. He hit me again, this time wrecking his car, then got out and started shooting me in the face with a handgun; it was all very funny. Another car came up the drive at high speed heading for one of the others; I kicked the wrecked car hard, the repelling forces of the skin-tight field sent it careening into the oncoming car. They hit each other like a crash test experiment; tiny cubes of glass flying across the green lawn and brown leaves, everyone looking confused apart from my friends and I. The most laugh-out-loud fun I’ve had in my sleep for ages.

8-September-2004: I dreamt I was looking after my mum’s dog, Tilly; I was supposed to bring Tilly to a house but when I got there it was empty, she went chasing other dogs in a field across the street. I kept thinking I should or want to be somewhere else. I somehow ended up at a swimming pool where the field had been; there were lots of people splashing about and having fun, I was being forced to play a game of snooker I didn’t want to play. Holly Vallance (an Australian female actor) kept coming over and smiling at me, a Holly Vallance look-alike also kept trying to talk to me; they were very nice but they were sort of annoying me, I said to myself that I’d rather be talking to Marcia (my girlfriend) than Holly Vallance or her look-alike. Then I shouted, ‘I’d rather be talking to Marcia than any of you people!’ Wishing all the people at the swimming pool would just go away and Marcia would show up. After that Tilly came to me; she’s turned into a little boy and he had ants all over him. I got two oxygen-filled pen-shaped devices out of my pocket and gave one to the boy; we jumped into the water and stayed at the bottom, using the pens to breath, until all the ants were gone.

7-September-2004: I had a dream that I was in a pub with a lot of my friends; one of them, Mark, was trying to get me to take drugs, he poured some cocaine into my pint of Guinness. I tasted it straight away and put a chemical analyser into my glass to be certain, Mark walked off and laughed when he saw what I had done, when he realized I knew what he had done. It was too late by then; Mark didn’t know I was a member of the Interstellar Community, my chemical analyser beamed its report to Interstellar HQ and sent a patrol out instantly. Mark had committed a great crime by trying to poison and intergalactic subject, but he didn’t know that. He laughed at me as he leant against a bus stop outside the pub; I was waving into the air making the interstellar siren noise with my mouth to direct the small patrol ship to the ground, Mark only stopped laughing when the galactic bully boys stepped out, cuffed him, then through him in the back of the vehicle with a bunch of old whores. The rest of the dream was about my other friends wanting to know why I sold Mark out to the cops; they wouldn’t believe I was an interstellar traveller and it was all automatic, out of my hands.

6-September-2004: There used to be a shortcut back to my house behind an army barracks when I was a kid; the barracks has since expanded and the shortcut is now part of the base. I dreamt last night that I was driving my car down the side of the army base hoping to take the shortcut back to my childhood home, but as I got to the bottom there was a huge fence with some tanks behind it. I’d forgot about the expansion and had to turn around; driving back up the side road I noticed all the security cameras watching me, I wondered how stupidly I could behave before a bunch of soldiers were sent out of the base to arrest me.

5-September-2004: I was in a dream village outside York, England; my grandmother was alive again and had a new boyfriend, he was about the same age as her but not at all like her husband used to be. She was angrily telling me that I must to pay her £90 a month to keep my stuff in their house.

4-September-2004: I was in a World War Two dream with a group of French resistance soldiers in a lovely green field next to a gently flowing river. A young boy wanted to paddle in the river but it was poisoned with oil from Nazi tanks and trucks; I told him not to worry and took a tablet out of my pocket and threw it in the river. All the oil dissolved into multi-coloured bubbled that floated into the air; the boy looked at me really suspiciously and said, ‘I know you’re not meant to be here, they can’t make things like that (the tablet) yet.’ I asked him how long he had known I was different and he said all along; I told him that the worst part about the war was that I’d already seen it, I know what happens and everything. We went back to our original task, which was filling women’s bicycle baskets with gold bars to be hidden from the Nazis.

3-September-2004: I dreamed I was a sort of wizard with three other lesser wizards; we were looking for a mountain called Mount Doom, there was nothing magical about the place, it was just called that by the locals. We’d only seen pictures of it so we weren’t sure how to get to it; we originally thought the mountain was somewhere hidden in the Lake District of North West England, but it later turned out to be in Canada. We took a plane to Canada then a train to a small town with the mountain a few miles away. We had to climb up hundreds of green iron steps that lead to the small town; they seemed a bit dangerous at first like they might collapse, but I decided that was impossible because thousands of people must use them every day to get in and out of town. When we got up to the town a girl that was one of the minor wizards asked if we should hire a car to get to Mount Doom; I said there was no need, I would turn us all into pigeons and we could fly there. A guy from school called Jason came running up and said he wanted to come too; I told everyone that after I cast the spell they might still think they look normal but to everyone else they would be a pigeon. All they had to do was flap their arms/wings and they would glide into the air. I cast the swirling orange spell and we were all changed into birds apart from Jason; his clothes turned into an orange bird costume and he had a few feathers on his arms, before I could stop him he ran off down a cobbled street flapping his arms. He leaped from the top of some stone steps and plummeted straight down to the bottom, hitting his head with a cartoon-like clunk! It was so unbelievable funny in the dream that I woke up laughing hysterically.

2-September-2004: My mother made me go to a meeting at a catholic school in this dream; I was complaining because we had no connection with the school, we didn’t know anyone that was going to the school and didn’t expect to know anyone there. The whole thing was pointless; my mother was just been kind of nosy to see what catholic schools are like. A girl handed out yellow leaflets then came and sat with us, being very friendly; all I could think was that I miss my girlfriend and I’d rather be talking to her than this girl. Not that there was anything really wrong with her, I just felt kind of guilty that I was talking to her instead of Marcia. Later she revealed that she was a fairy by fluttering out her wings and flying up to the top of a wall; I wasn’t really all that impressed seeing as I can fly in most of my dreams anyway, plus her wings were grey which made her entirely the wrong type of fairy for me.

1-September-2004: I dreamt I was working for a magazine / stage properties (props) manufacturer with Chandler from the TV series, Friends. I was in charge of getting web links for our magazine, being paid lots of money but feeling guilty because it was too easy. I didn’t even have to put the links on the computer myself; Chandler showed me how my job was to write down the names of a few web sites onto a form, then hand the form on to a links manager. I complained to my boss about the pointlessness of the form system, how I could update our website links in minutes on my own; but he (my old boss from the printers when I was 16) said that is how he runs things. I completed my daily tasks in about ten minutes so there was nothing to do but drink coffee with Chandler and talk nonsense for the rest of the day. Someone had ordered an Asian friend of ours so go to makeup and be made into a Vulcan from Star Trek; they were supposed to give him pointy ears, but when he came into our office he’d been surgically altered so that he had big pointy collarbones instead because of a misread note. It was very funny to all of us as we sat together and marvelled at his new alien collarbones.