Dreaming LifeDreaming Life

31-October-2003: I was in the army chasing after a convoy of trucks that had a kidnapped prince on board; they had a three-day lead on us. I let my commander in on a secret; I’d invented a way to speed up our journey on foot, so that we could catch the convoy. It was a little see through gun that fired a dart up to three miles away; you aimed the gun at a distant object like a tree, when the dart was lodged in the tree it acted as a beacon and you could hit a switch on the gun to teleport you to where the dart had landed. It worked fantastically; within a few hours we were in sight of the convoy, we made camp for the night while we decided what we were going to do when we overtook them. All the soldiers were comparing knives and sharpening them; they all laughed at my knives, they were stay-sharp ‘Kitchen Devils’. They didn’t laugh for long though; I could throw them with pinpoint accuracy at a target twenty-five metres away. I also brought down a duck flying overhead; our commander cooked it and we had duck for tea that evening.

30-October-2003: Oh my God, I was Homer Simpson! I was staying at a Scottish ski resort; I’ve been there before in other dreams but never in reality, could be more evidence to back up my past lives theories. None of my normal powers worked as Homer; a girl asked me if I was coming with her on the next hour long cable car ride to the top of the mountain, I boasted that I could fly and that I’d be up there in minutes. When I tried to fly I went about ten metres in the air and came down with a crash on top of the cable car, I spent the full hour almost freezing to death all the way to the top. There was a hotel at the top with the best and deepest swimming pool I have ever seen; I went to the gym, still as Homer Simpson, thinking I was irresistible to women and kept harassing all the girls there.

29-October-2003: I was in the house I grew up in looking out of my bedroom window; lots of houses in the neighbourhood were exploding and catching fire, my stepfather thought we would be fine because it was all quite far away. I wasn’t so sure; the explosions were getting closer. Nobody took me seriously until the house next door caught fire; I ran to my room and began an evacuation of my most treasured possessions, my computer and my books.

28-October-2003: I was playing a kind of paintball game only more real, when a player got shot he was actually physically dead until the end of the game. My friend Carl was the only one left on the opposing team; it was generally considered good manners to fight the last man hand-to-hand, a guy I know called Gooner from an internet message board (who’d never played the game before) came along and shot Carl in the head with a pistol and killed him. The crowd watching booed and geared and I had to explain the rules of etiquette in the game..

27-October-2003: It was a holiday romance in Spain, and I’m saying no more…

26-October-2003: I was in Peru paddling up to a waterfall with some friends; as we came closer it suddenly stopped, it was a mechanical device. We climbed inside and I accidentally turned it on again and became trapped within the workings. A Peruvian tour guide soon rescued me. She was showing us around the inside of the facility when we were taken hostage by some terrorists. Lightning fats, I threw the two terrorists out of a high window and we all escaped down a chute in a canoe. When we came to the top of the waterfall the force of the mechanical water shot is into the air, we flew for a mile before we landed in the river and escaped to safety.

25-October-2003: A group of us were in a farmhouse kitchen talking about going to Flamingo Land, an amusement park with a zoo, four people really wanted to go. I wasn’t all that bothered either way and a girl call Gillian didn’t want to go at all; she said she hated roller coasters and other scary rides, what was the point in going? I told her about my hate and fear of fairground rides; how I wouldn’t be going on any of them, she could just walk around the zoo and things with me instead. Everyone else was already in the car and waiting by this time; I’d convinced Gillian to come too, the others didn’t think she would and were a bit put out because there was only room for five people in the car. It didn’t matter though, because Gillian walked straight to the back of the car and climbed in the boot; I got in the passenger seat next to the driver hoping he wasn’t going to speed along the roads like a lunatic and preparing to jump out and fly away if he did. After I’d woken up, I realised the car was a left-hand drive; all cars are right handed in my country.

24-October-2003: I was a child and had been given a red petrol driven go kart; I raced it around a track that went into a house, every time I went through the house there were lots of kids and one of them kept hitting me really hard with a cardboard tube. One time the kart broke down on the house section of the racetrack; all the children gathered round to see me try and start it again, while the one kid started hitting me over the head. I flung my hand out and caught him across the cheek; it stung him a bit and he stopped hitting me, which was nice. A few minutes later a woman came into the house and the naughty kid started crying, as if he was in real pain, and told her I’d beaten him. To my horror I was suddenly an adult and the woman said she was taking me to court for child abuse; there were lots of other adult there, but they were all on my side and saying they saw what happened and the child was a monster. The woman didn’t care and said she was taking it to the top; I was called to appear in the European Courts of Justice, only in Paris instead of The Hague. My appointed lawyer thought that I might go to prison; he said the European Courts took a dim view of this sort of thing, I told him not to worry and everything was fine. I whispered in his ear that the boy was actually nineteen years old and worked for a Polish circus, the whole thing had been an act to screw money out of the European community. I asked him whether he wanted to reveal the truth now, or wait till the actual trial for maximum publicity, he went for the latter.

At the trial the nineteen year old made a great performance of being a stricken child; the woman was expecting to get millions, I could read her thoughts. I set up a device that telepathically transmitted my memories of the events, and what I new about the two con artists to everyone in the courtroom. The woman was in the next room with a troop of circus performers dancing around celebrating. The case was dismissed immediately after my radical evidence had been witnessed; the plaintiffs were ridiculed and told never to come back to France.

23-October-2003: Mothership underwent routine repairs, all pretty mundane stuff really.

22-October-2003: I painted a portrait of a woman; when I finished I asked her not to look at it for six hours, then hid around a corner to see how long she could wait…

21-Otcober-2003: Didn’t know where I was at first; a bit like a set from an Anime cartoon, there were pine trees and an artificial lake with lots of concrete around and sheer drops hundreds of feet. I was with my ex-wife Masayo, and two friends; we went underground down concrete corridors with dripping silver water pipes. We came out onto a balcony overlooking an entrance to a tunnel; it was the English end of the Channel Tunnel, we were looking at it in the past as it was in 1996. A train came along; it was the same train Masayo and I were on when we went to Belgium together; when we were in love. I said, ‘My God, look! We are on that train.’ Then sighed and said, ‘Awwww.’ Masayo replied with a cold hearted, ‘Oh, pleeease.’

20-October-2003: A sort of comedy swash buckling adventure with dinosaurs; the girl of my dreams, me being Santa Claus, was whisked away inside an Ohio class intercontinental ballistic nuclear submarine. I clung to the front of the vessel, in full Santa suit, all the way across the Atlantic to New York harbour. When we arrived an aircraft carrier was being attacked by velociraptors; they had been nesting there for thousands of years, every thousand years they re-awoke to breed and stretch their legs. They were shocked to find the sprawling mass of New York City covering their happy verdant breeding ground; the rest was mayhem.

19-October-2003: There was a big chase going on around a shopping mall; a gang of rappers were being chased by someone in a VW Beetle, the VW was being chased by Jay and Silent Bob. Jay and Bob were pretending they were on skateboards, sliding sideways along banisters on their feet. Someone said, ‘quick, call the boys; we’ll soon have this sorted out.’ It made me wonder, if I were ever in trouble, how many of my friends would come and help me at the drop of a hat if I called them.

18-October-2003: I was involved in organised crime and the mafia; involved in overthrowing them, seeking out the worst villains and destroying them. Myself and a group of friends were in an ornate hotel in New York; a kind of super-villain was coming to assassinate us, he was running up a stairwell decorating in fancy ironwork. When he got to the top I tore him into little pieces; he was made of paper, I dropped the bits and they fluttered in the sunlight down the stairwell. When the strips of paper got to the bottom they reformed into a gangster again and he came running up the stairs to get us a second time; the process was repeated over and over with me tearing him into ever smaller and tinier bits of paper, he always came back up. In the end I decided to make friends with him and we both had a cigar and a laugh.

Later I was in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with the paper man and other mafia bosses from around the world; the water was very shallow and only came up to our ankles, somehow a corrupt country was involved in the lack of water in the oceans. We were meeting to see what could be done about them, the world governments were afraid of the evil island nation. We discussed the possibility of invading the country with all our men combined but it was no use; all our men could be counted in hundreds, we needed hundreds of thousands to occupy a country. Eventually, mafia bosses being what they are, we decided to say screw ‘em all and live together on a nearby island in luxury till the world came to an end.

17-October-2003: I was part of a Star Trek away team; everything seemed real, Mister Spock was poking a spear through a thin film of reality and finally managed to make a gateway to another universe. We climbed through to the other universe and were chased, down a cavern, by a ridiculous hairy monster. I discovered that the rocks in the cavern were made of polystyrene and stupidly light; I started throwing them at Sulu and laughing, Sulu threw some rocks at me then the whole bridge crew joined in throwing the feather-light rocks at each other and laughing.

16-October-2003: I was back at my childhood home; only it wasn’t mine anymore, a bunch of friends and myself were renting it from a landlord. For some reason I was renting the bathroom and lived in there; it didn’t have a proper door, so I went into the attic and found four little devices for setting up a force field I’d made when I was a kid. From inside the bathroom I could see everyone walking about; I even saw my granddad naked once, trying in vein to get into the bathroom. No one could see inside. I was woken up by a banging on the force field; it was the landlord coming to collect his overdue rent, he said I owed him seventy pounds but there was no rush. I put my hand on the field to deactivate it and the landlord was shocked to see, what he thought was a solid door, disappear. I told the landlord he’d get his money later that day, but there would be no more after that; I was buying the house back, he laughed.

He did get his money and I did get my house back, and every other building in the country. The stage had changed to a future time where all my little inventions were being used everywhere; I was the supreme and benevolent leader of the nation with my face in holograms in every shop window, it was very strange. The shops decided what you needed as you passed the door; then decided how much you could afford to pay for a particular item. Holograms in the windows constantly praised our glorious saviour, Jonathan Malory of Malory Inc. I wasn’t entirely sure how it had all come about, but it was the best new world order I’d ever seen.

15-October-2003: I was a young ancient immortal Chinese deity, visiting a tribe in Africa. I told them that some evil men were coming upon the hill to the east; they didn’t believe me, but another immortal told them to trust me because I had special senses for this kind of thing. We went up the hill, amongst thick trees, to ambush the invaders. As they came sneaking up and over the brow of the hill I noticed they were all carrying unusual weapons; weapons that should not have existed three thousand years ago, they were brandishing Avtomat Kalashnikova Obrazets 1947 assault rifles. We piled onto the bandits and overcame them before they could fire a single shot; I used telekinesis to destroy the AK Forty Sevens, but their leader had a hand grenade and threw it at me. The man had pulled the pin and let the fuse burn down before he threw it to give me no time to pick it up and throw it back. It didn’t matter; there was no explosion, the grenade was full of oil and the fuse just fizzled out when it fully burned down. The man threw another, but that was the same. He and some other ancient magicians had been channelling into the future and using special powers to create the modern weapons out of the air; they’d telepathically seen the weapons in action but not fully comprehended their working. They had assumed the grenades of the future were full of combustible oils. The AK Forty Sevens didn’t work properly either.

14-October-2003: I was Clark Kent’s alter ego, well almost; I wasn’t evil exactly, just a bit naughty. A few friends and I all had superhuman powers and we were using them to wreck this old building, destroying the upper floors and throwing the debris into the street. When the police came there was nothing they could do to stop us; even Clark Kent was reluctant to intervene, as we never actually hurt anyone anyway, we were just destroying a derelict building. A white rat was following me around everywhere and I kept telling it to go back home to Ian, my flatmate, but it wanted to stay with me. I jumped out of a tenth story window and landed gently on the ground; when I looked around, the rat was right there behind me. It was squeaking at me trying to say something; I told one of my friends it was a pity we weren’t in a different dream where I’d be able to understand what it was saying. I decided I was going to fly everywhere now so the rat couldn’t follow me; I met a girl and said I’d fly her to the north pole to see the beautiful ice, I hoped the rat couldn’t follow us because it might have died.

13-October-2003: I got on the train to the seaside, going from York to Scarborough in England. The train derailed just a few metres along the track and toppled over, smashing all the windows and trapping the driver. I told the driver I could free him and pulled the door off his cab, letting him out. No one was seriously injured in the crash.

12-October-2003: Anne Robinson was my flying instructor; I hadn’t done all the required hours yet, but she said I was ready and had bought me a new plane. The aircraft was a red sports car with flip out wings and tail; it looked fantastic and I couldn’t wait to show it off to my friends who were all at a local fayre. When I first took off, I was watching myself fly from the ground; it seemed I was doing okay so I switched to the first person. Another aircraft swooped overhead and flew in front of me; it was spinning wildly and I thought it was going to crash, the plane pulled out of the spin and landed gently on an airfield. The pilot of the stunt plane was my friend Carl who’d been taking lessons much longer than me.

11-October-2003: Somehow lots of anteaters and anthills were in the Gobi (desert), I was running around the hills annoying the anteaters. Every now and then they would gather in groups and chase me off. A storm was coming and the anteaters decided to run for shelter in a small building; I told them they were being silly, the storm was going to miss by miles. They said I was wrong; that if you couldn’t see a storm a few minutes ago and then you could, it meant it was closer to you and therefore coming towards you. I couldn’t argue with logic like that so I went with them, the storm missed by miles. I lost interested in the anteaters and met a middle-aged American woman in a red bikini, sunbathing on a rock.

10-October-2003: I was on tour in South Africa; taking a bus ride with my band, discussing how strange it was to keep waking up in a different place ever day.

9-October-2003: I’d been shopping and was walking down a hill on my way home; there was a pretty girl walking up the hill over the road, I waved at her and she waved back. I thought she was Russian. I hurried home with my shopping so I could come back out again and catch her up. I ran back up the hill and saw the girl go into a large toyshop; I followed her inside but it was really huge and busy, I thought I’d never find her. The shop was selling these big helmets with a large mouthpiece to speak into; there were buttons all across the top with different country’s flags upon them, the box boasted it could translate English into all of the languages. I bought it and went outside; the Russian girl was waiting for me, I showed her the red helmet and she told me to put it on and test it. I pressed the Russian button and put it on then said hello; through the mouthpiece, my voice said stravostye or something similar. I asked the girl if that was right; she said she didn’t know because she was Italian, we both laughed and I noticed we were in a huge pigeon-covered piazza.

8-October-2003: Something about me trying to download my brain pattern into a black Labrador dog.

7-October-2003: I met two girls; one was a bit plump but very nice, the other was more attractive to look at but everyone said she was bad. She told me herself that she was bad and that I should have nothing to do with her, I decided to make up my own mind on the matter. Her name was Leanne and she turned out to be just as nice a person as the other girl; it was just that so many people had told her she was bad, that she had become to believe it herself. She’d never done anything bad to anyone; never said a wrong word to or about anyone, everyone else around her was just jealous of her looks. She was thoroughly miserable and wished she looked more like the others. I decided I liked her a lot and told her so; I was waiting for my car to come back from the garage, after that we were going to go to Whitby for a holiday.

6-October-2003: I met a computer nerd who had a really funny trick he could do with his laptop computer. He knew the computer codes to change the voice message on reversing trucks; in this case dustbin lorries. The voice normally says, ‘Attention, vehicle is reversing.’ The nerd typed a command line into his computer then transmitted it: -Attention pylon2 say Attention, Tony Blaire is a moron- , every time a dustbin lorry or bus reversed in the centre of town where we were, it said the message he typed in. We messed around for ages; typing in messages that made fun of each other and people around us.

5-October-2003: I was walking along a street with my mum when I saw a really nice house, I told her I’d really love to live in there. She walked up to the front door, took out a key, and went inside. She showed me around all the rooms and the garden and introduced me to a French girl that lives there with her. My mum had secretly owned the house for years; the girl assumed my mother had lived there all that time and that she went away on business trips a lot. In reality, my mother was living in four or five different houses all over the place and moving from one to the other week by week.

In a room at the back of the house, a man was teaching a class of children karate; I stood and watched them for a while, thinking how odd it was that my mum rented out the back room for such a purpose. After about ten minutes, the man came over to me and said, ‘So, you a beginner or have you done some karate before?’ I told him I used to do a bit of karate when I was a kid, but I’m more of a kung fu man. He got quite excited by my statement and stopped the class and told everyone to gather round and watch him and myself do a little sparing; Kung fu against karate. The man couldn’t get near me, I found his rigid karate style easy to flow around with my elegant kung fu. We ended up outside in the street, in front of an abandoned pub called The Gimcrack. The man eventually collapsed from exhaustion and I went to talk to my friend Mark, who was laughing at the traffic going by. The traffic was made up of different vehicles from the Star Wars films; Mark said he was going to buy a Speeder and beat them all!

4-October-2003: I was in a passenger jet, piloted by a mad Italian. Instead of taxiing down the runway, he drove out through a fence onto the motorway. We came to a very steep hill and the pilot used it to get up enough speed to take off; the bottom of the hill crossed a very busy road, we narrowly missed a couple of cars as we left the ground. When we got to our destination the mad Italian laughed maniacally and ditched the plane in the sea instead of landing on the nearby runway.

3-October-2003: A quiz show was being filmed in a TV studio in London; I leaped over some wires and landed on a coiled bunch of them on the floor, all of the crew gasped with shock thinking I might pull something vital out of its socket. Some plugs were nearly pulled out of a console; but they were just about going to hang in there if I kept completely still. The console was wobbling on the edge of its table; an old man came to correct it but I told him not to, he did it anyway and all the main light went out. A girl came and told me off in a friendly manner for unplugging her lights; by the time she’d found the correct place for all the unplugged wires to go the lights had gone cold, she told everyone to come back in half an hour to let the big studio lights warm up. I went outside with a group of people to look at the River Thames; the water looked funny as if I wouldn’t be able to walk on it like I normally can, so I flew just above the surface instead. Further up along the sandy bank I found a nest of pheasants, when I told the others what I’d seen they didn’t believe me.

2-October-2003: I was in flat with my brother in London; it was on the ground floor with a big glass and metal wall. A black decorator in his van was reversing too close to our glass and metal wall; I said to my brother that he seems to be getting a bit too close, so he shouted out of the window, ‘Watch it mate, you’re nearly hitting my flat here.’ The guy in the van just laughed then bumped into the glass. My brother shouted, ‘You bloody idiot!’ The man replied by reversing into the glass again twice; with enough force to buckle the metal frames and ruin the windows. My brother went outside to give him a harsh talking to; but an Hispanic guy came along and intervened, the two (my brother and the newcomer) were stalking each other in a wide circle revving electric drills as if they were in a surreal kung fu movie.

1-October-2003: There was a big lake, possibly at York university, and I was trying to shoot the ducks in the water with a Desert Eagle pistol. It was very difficult because there were lots of children in the lake too, I didn’t want to shoot any of them by mistake. I was also using super powers to run really fast and find a perfect pie; an old friend from school, Richard Cass, was driving a pretty nice jeep.