Dreaming LifeDreaming Life

31-May-2009: I had a dream that I was teaching tai chi to Stephen Burkinshaw, the smartest guy at Fulford School in the 1980s.

30-May-2009: I had a dream that I was at my childhood home, Heslington Lane, and the carpet downstairs was infested with gigantic ants the size of cockroaches.

29-May-2009: I had a dream that I travelled back in time to when I first met my friend Maja and told her all sorts of things about what she likes and doesn't like based and what she'd told me in the future.

28-May-2009: I had a dream about a simple guy who thought his girlfriend had given birth and he was caring for their children. It turned out that his 'children' were actually two magpies and he knew no better because he'd never seen babies before.

27-May-2009: I had a dream that some evil-looking corporate suit types asked me directions to a market in a very condescending manner, so I sent them on a bogus shortcut which led them through a bunch of stalls where witches proffered potions and pricked their legs with poisonous needles as they passed by.

26-May-2009: I had a dream that I was in a high-school gym on the top row of benches and shouting out about how high I was when Marcia, my wife, asked the teacher if she could be excused to go outside and smoke a pipe. The other people there thought it was odd, but Marcia asked in a way that seemed rehearsed, like it was pre-arranged, so it wasn't much of a surprise to me when the teacher nodded to say she could go.

25-May-2009: I had a dream that I was in a high-school competition to make a boat from bits and pieces we found lying around and then race it around a lake. In the race I came 3rd in my homemade speedboat, but I was disappointed because a Stars and Stripes boat that came first was clearly engineered in a professional workshop.

24-May-2009: I had a dream that a childhood friend called Jason Carlton was trying to make a love medallion from melted wax.

23-May-2009: I had a dream that I was on a bus with a dog and a friend called Lewis Evans in an alternate reality version of York where I live. The dog barked then leapt through the window because we went past where our stop would have been in its normal reality. We thought about getting off to catch him but the bus was too fast and the dog was soon miles away. When we did get off we went to a Chinese restaurant where they bring you bowls of soup according to what ingredients you order, then you choose your own noodles from a vending machine at your table.

22-May-2009: I had a dream that I was a teenager again working at a printing shop called Fulprint. Bob Scrace, the boss, was away on holiday and we decided to organize an impromptu party where people had to buy tickets to get in. We expected about twelve people to show up but by the end of it nine hundred people were there. The party was such a huge success that everyone booked tickets for next year's event, even though we hadn't planned one, which of course Bob didn't mind at all when he came back and found out.

21-May-2009: I had a dream that I stole a plane from an air force base in southern England and flew it to London. Over London I took off my clothes then parachuted out to land in Hyde Park, totally naked and holding a martini in one hand and a baguette in the other.

20-May-2009: I had a dream that I went with my friend Benji to help him join the army.

19-May-2009: I had a dream that I went for a test drive in an orange Mini Cooper with a deaf woman.

18-May-2009: I had a dream that my mother came to my writing group meeting and she was trying to be smart and embarrass me, only she was drunk so she just looked silly.

17-May-2009: I had a dream about a zoo with oversized animals where a gargantuan elephant escaped and ate two American tourists.

16-May-2009: I had a dream that I was having a long conversation with my friend Ché Sanderson about the massive Azipods (multi-directional marine engines on new ships) on the Queen Mary 2.

15-May-2009: I had a dream that I was a kid again and my stepdad was being really fussy and grumpy, saying I wasn't allowed to leave the house. I got bored and made a run for it and my stepdad changed into Robert Mitchum (the old actor) then ran after me. However, he didn't get far before he fell over and I got away.

14-May-2009: I had a dream that I was on the spaceship in the original movie Alien. I was running around, escaping the creature, but remembered that only Ripley survives so I must be one of the people who dies. I soon found myself captured by the alien and cocooned in sticky white stuff, only instead of being scared I was having the most wonderful time of my life. I felt like I was floating on clouds and seeing parts of the universe I'd never imagined before, plus I was communicating telepathically with the alien. I told her about how nice I was feeling, that I never knew life could be so wonderful - she replied that I had been drugged by her venom, an hallucinogenic compound, and that the entire lower half of my body had been digested. She also told me that the drug would be gone just before I die and that I would suffer the most excruciating pain imaginable, worse than being burned alive, but I was far too happy to care and woke up before that happened.

13-May-2009: I had a dream I'd been cycling and decided to go home, but realized it was 4:30 PM and I was in the city of Coventry which is about one hundred miles away from where I live and it would take me ages to get home.

12-May-2009: I had a dream that I was living in an orphanage that was run by evil monks. There seemed to be no way out but I managed to escape by going up into the attic and removing tiles from the roof.

11-May-2009: I had a dream set in my childhood home and I was in my brother's old bedroom getting undressed to make love to my first wife, but every time I took something off there was always another layer underneath so I never managed to get undressed or do anything sexual.

10-May-2009: I had a dream that I was at a poetry slam between angels and fairies on the outer layer of Hell.

9-May-2009: I had a dream that I went to see an old man in his flat (apartment). He said he needed my help with repairs and stuff, but when I got to his place it was very dark and dank and his bath didn't work so he was very smelly. The place was beyond the scope of my handyman skills so I told him to ask Ben, the landlord, to get is fixed when he came for the rent on Sunday.

8-May-2009: I had a dream that I was in a green cave on the edge of Hell, awaiting Judgment with a bunch of other people. Apparently the administrators of Hell were very busy so they were giving some people temporary reprieves and sending them back to Life for another go, not starting again but continuing with their current life. I was very pleased to be one of the lucky people sent back up a rocky slope to Life.

7-May-2009: I had a very funny dream where I was on a doomed steam ship and a posh butler approached me and said 'Is Sir aware that the ship he is standing upon is sinking?'

6-May-2009: I had a dream that I took an autistic boy fishing in a small boat on the river in York where I live. Instead of regular angling with a fishing rod though, we were casting nets which isn't at all what someone would do on a river in England.

5-May-2009: I had a dream that I met Hannibal Lector and he asked me, a homeless street kid, to go into a liquor store and change a $20 bill for him. I tried my best to be really nice and not show that I knew who he was so he wouldn't kill me. When I got to the store it was closed, so I tried a gas station across the street and that was closed too - in fact everywhere was closed. I ran to my shelter in a doorway I shared with a friend called Ratboy, but when I got there all I found was a pool of blood and I knew right then that Hannibal would know I knew who he was so I panicked and woke up.

4-May-2009: I dreamed that I found a stash of drug money and that my friend Ché Sanderson came along as I picked up the bag with the loot. I told him he could have a share but it was vitally important that he didn't tell anyone about it because he would be endangering their lives by involving them. Ché agreed to the plan but kept accidentally blabbing to everyone we met along the way, first my mother and then his brother until practically everyone we know was aware of the drug money.

3-May-2009: I was dreaming about a conversation with a friend called Ruth Frost where she was saying how much pity she felt for car companies and their pathetic car adverts on TV.

2-May-2009: I had a dream that a friend called Lewis Evans was banging on my front door and asking me to let him in, but I was actually outside at the end of the street watching him.

1-May-2009: I had a dream that a Chinese girl made me some tea for helping her, but once I drank my tea she wouldn't have anything more to do with me and ignored all attempts at communication.